


I Know You Know That I Like You, But That's Not Enough

by AutumnFell



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Sorry all my stories are depressing, That's it, This ones about john having to watch alex and eliza be happy, even though john and alex are aware if their feelings towards eachother, feel sorry for them, this is unedited even though i wrote it like a month ago dont hurt me, you've basically read the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-05 21:02:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19048330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnFell/pseuds/AutumnFell
Summary: It would be selfish to tell Alex that he couldn't be in a relationship- they'd never even called themselves boyfriends, after all. They'd just said they liked each other. Nothing else. Nothing to be mad about or have feelings towards.(Title is from "Would You Be So Kind?" by dodie)





	I Know You Know That I Like You, But That's Not Enough

He thought things were going great- There was a field trip, two confessions, but suddenly Alex was in another relationship while John was gone from school.

 **_Alex:_ ** _I want to know how you feel about this. It's weird because I still like you, and I like Eliza- it's just confusing. Are you fine with this? I don't want to ruin what we have already._

John turned on his music and blasted it the second he read that text. Dashes and perfect punctuation. Such an Alex text.

It would be selfish to tell Alex that he couldn't be in a relationship- they'd never even called themselves boyfriends, after all. They'd just said they liked each other. Nothing else. Nothing to be mad about or have feelings towards.

 **_Alex:_ ** _John?_

 **_You:_ ** _It's just iffy._

Then why did he want Alex to be _his?_ John liked him for over a year, even before Alexander had come out as bisexual, before they even started truly talking. But he knew about Alex's crush on Eliza, how he'd spend some nights conflicted about his own feelings, and yet John still kept going.

He felt like he was going to be sick. He turned off the lights, feeling himself get twitchy from the anxiety running through him, and danced to the music with odd movements that he was glad no one could see to get rid of the energy. The average jumping up and down, weird hand movements and embarrassing lip-synching. It made him feel slightly better. All to _Mr. Brightside._ Huh.

He thought back to the field trip. They'd been holding hands, like they usually did for no reason- it was a habit that started when they were trying to get someone to stop flirting with John, but then it just became normal.

Even though his own heart was pounding, he'd laughed. “I wonder if some people think we're actually a couple.”

Alex had uncomfortably laughed for a little before throwing his head into John's side. John was pretty used to it, especially when Alex would have mini panic attacks at school.

When he pulled his head back up, it was red and unreadable. “I don't know if I should tell you why that happened.”

John only slightly put two in two together. The timing right after he'd said that made it somewhat obvious- but that would never be the truth. “You don't have to tell me, Al.”

They sat in uncomfortable silence while they watched the band set up for the performance. It was tense, the kind of quiet that happened when your parents were annoyed at you and you truthfully didn't know what you did wrong. He knew not to speak during that silence.

Until Alex finally spoke up. “I… like you.”

John's brain had short circuited for a second, and he automatically patted the other on the head and said, “That's great, Al,” and then he realized he should probably respond in kind. “Me too.”

It would've been weird if they didn't like each other, really. That year they'd gone to a dance held by the school, where they held hands and were asked by multiple people in higher grades if they were dating. After a few awkward “do you wanna?”s and “only if you do"s, they decided. They were dating.

But then the next day, Alex texted him saying that they were probably too young for dating and maybe they could be together in the future.

He'd thought that maybe the field trip had made things move along, even if it was just a small nudge in that direction. But then John got sick with a cold, and then anxiety stopped him from going to school. His parents had booked multiple therapy appointments (he only actually went to two) and he'd finally been diagnosed with GAD and MDD. Only then did his dad turn into a phase of “go to school when you feel comfortable.”

Some days he fell asleep with the sole intent of going to school in the morning. He was ready, almost caught up with the homework he was missing. But then he'd wake up feeling sick or extremely tired and it was a major setback. Like maybe he wasn't meant to go to school.

Apparently Alex had confessed to Eliza in that time, and she said yes.

 **_Alex:_ ** _What do you mean by iffy? Just tell me how you feel about it._

 **_You:_ ** _I don't know what else to say._

He ignored his phone, occupying himself with little tasks to forget about what just happened.

 **_Alex:_ ** _You know what? Let's just forget this whole conversation never happened. Wanna continue writing that story on google docs?_

 **_You:_ ** _Sure._

It hurt, sure. But he'd rather stand by and let himself feel sick at the thought of Alex and Eliza than tell Alex to break up with her.

**Author's Note:**

> Oi, this entire thing is basically just a situation I was in earlier, like basically all of the same events and such, but we're all good now and we're actually together. Also, just replace the entire perfect punctuation thing with the exact opposite and you've basically got our conversation, which I wrote this during. We're both bi (pan? I don't really care its whatever) and confused and that's the whole reason we're the only people who'd wanna date each other because we fucking suck.
> 
> I've been writing something new for awhile (it actually has a happy ending don't worry) but I really felt the need to post something?? I don't know man.
> 
> Title is a lyric from "Would You Be So Kind?" By dodie, though I was really debating having it be a lyric from an Arctic Monkeys song


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